In Which I Argue Myself, Smeagol-Gollum Style, Into Believing We'll Win OR Lose to Fredo Corleone*

Cinematic history's most inept lil' bruh

-So, this week we have a bye week. We can't lose a bye week, right?
Stupid, fat millenialses. What's bye weeks, precious?

-You couldn't possibly respond as Gollum this whole time...right?
Oh yes we could!

-Over my dead body.
Give it to us rrrrrraw, and wrrrrrrigling.

-Alright, this is getting weird. Besides, this was supposed to be a "Godfather" comparison.
We must rid us of ourselves first, precious.

 

[I'm blasting this full volume at a coffee shop in hopes of scaring off the weaker-willed patrons]

*-Yes, I realize that Fredo is, technically and chronologically, Michael's older brother, which throws a bit of a cog into this allegory's potential if I intend to represent UM as Michael and MSU as Fredo, which I do. However, I don't think anyone would argue that Fredo was emotionally or psychologically older than Michael. Therefore, if you're seriously going to get that hung up on it, please coat yourself in seal blood and wade into the ocean**, because you're ruining everyone's good time.

**-That was kind of mean. Don't actually do that. But maybe definitely stop being ~that~ guy. Or ~that~ girl (FerGodSakes: harbinger of equality in the college football blogosphere)
Stop stalling.

-Sorry.

[After the jump, I eventually decide that we'll win. Or lose. No, win. NO, LOSE. NO WAIT-]

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"Oh THERE you are, Offense!" [Indiana Game Reaction]

MICHIGAN [6-1 (2-1)] defeats INDIANA [3-4 (1-2)], 63-47

Young (Michigan Alum) David Alan Grier?

Pictured: Michigan Offense, rediscovered

First off, this reference to Spielberg's "Hook" (1991), a landmark achievement in Giant Crocodile cinema technology, was not at all random, and will be of use later in this piece. 

SECOND STAR TO THE RIGHT, THEN STRAIGHT ON 'TIL MORNING:

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Man, Sports.

"Sports is Hell" - William Tecumseh Sherman

I mean, he probably said that. War too, obviously. But mainly, sports. And even more mainly, college football. And even more mainly, the unending anomaly that is Michigan football.

The General's sports-induced anger prompted his 'scorched earth' total war tactics. Same, bro.

During the increasingly arduous Autumn months, many an athletic contest is fought out on the field, gridiron, court, rink, and pitch (if you're into that sort of thing).

NBA basketball starts up, as does about 8 months of ESPN's daily reminders that LeBron James exists, and how important it is for you to know everything he does and says, because human privacy in the United States of America is so '90s.

The NHL season kicks off, along with about 8 months of ESPN's semi-weekly reminders that the NHL still exists.

The National Football League begins its assault on weekly sports programming. More importantly, perhaps, is the weekly sadness it offers in fantasy realms for the ever-growing sect of society that chooses to base a great deal of happiness upon whether or not fictional collections of grown men throwing a ball around can accrue more points than an equally fictional collection of different grown men. I have 3 fantasy teams. I am part of the problem.

Playoff baseball is in full swing (ha, get it? Swing. Like a...never mind). Those whose teams are eliminated find reasons to hate or cheer for those remaining. Those of us whose teams are still in contention find ways to figuratively/literally induce self-harm after crushing late-inning defeats BROUGHT ON BY COLLAPSES OF DEATH STAR-SIZED PROPORTIONS THANKS IN PART TO G*DD*MN JOE BUCK JINXING EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME YOU JERK YOU MONOTONOUS DETROIT HATING JERK WHY WHY WHY. Sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you guys, it's not your fault.

Also, I guess cricket season is happening. So, yeah, like I said...if you're into that sort of thing.

It's like hockey baseball? But with a wooden sword? Just stop.

Then, there's college football. NCAA Division I college football. Specifically the Big Ten. Specifically-er, for the purposes herein on this inconsistently updated blog, the University of Michigan football team.
(Hit the jump for the ramblings of a young man at odds with rationality)

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Brady Hoke Can't Recruit Skill Positions

I know that almost every single Michigan Football fan has been absolutely ecstatic with Hoke and Co.'s recruiting efforts thus far. After Richard was escorted out of town, he left us a roster without any semblance of depth in the trenches. In every one of Hoke's complete recruiting classes (2012 and on), Michigan has added HS All-American after HS All-American in order to help Michigan control the line of scrimmage in the future. After signing four OL and six DL in 2012, including 5-Stars Kyle Kalis and Ondre Pipkins, Hoke proceeded to add 6 more OL and 3 more DL in 2013. With seemingly indisputable success on the recruiting trail, many naysayers and rival fans began grasping at straws and out of some form of insecurity/idiocy/crystal meth addiction, the perception that Hoke couldn't attract premier skill position players was born. Sane Michigan fans insisted that although Michigan did not seem to have groundbreaking success at the skill positions, Hoke and Co. were still adding versatile skill players on both sides of the ball. These suggestions were sometimes then responded with "LOL IS HOKE GONNA LINE UP HIS 23 OL AT WR AND RB AND TE AND CB AND S TOO?!, LOL."

I guess the point of this post is to demonstrate that, no, toothless Ohio State fan, Al Borges will not be handing the ball off to David Dawson this season. And, no swagtastic MSU bro, Greg Mattison will not be lining up Henry Poggi against the self proclaimed 'Wide Receiver U's' next superstar....However, if you really are curious and you'd like to read this post, you may be able to realize the amazing level of talent that Hoke has been able to attract to all of the skill positions.

ANDDDD, since I know 'STAR RANKINGS DON'T MATTER' (especially when you only get 2/3 stars), I will include the prospects Top Offers as a justification for how good they could be....

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Victory Screech: Derrick Green Commits

Derrick Green: Michigan Wolverine.

All the other (better) sites have the information you want/we don't have time to provide, but we just wanted to join the celebration frenzy. VICTORY SCREECH.

Summarizing...With Summaries:
The number 1 running back in the country (according to Rivals) has committed to the University of Michigan's 2013 class, solidifying it as one of the top groups in the nation. Green offers the potential for something this school has not seen since Mike Hart - namely, an every-down back who can consistently move the chains and grind out games (no more RB-by-committee! Huzzah!). He's a big, strong back with a low center of gravity. Several recruiting sites have cited his speed and pass-catching abilities as areas for improvement, but these should not be causes for too much concern unless they persist throughout his college career.

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The Illusion of Reality: Michigan Wins '12-'13 BCS!

Manti Te'o happened.

Up there is where my girlfriend WOULD be!

You're probably asking yourself a whole mess of questions right now, questions like: What else has Te'o lied about? Will he still be an NFL playing sport man? How many OTHER things has he made up (seriously doubting the absolute shit out of the apostrophe in his his name now, btw)? But most importantly, how does this affect MY school? I'm glad you asked.

How Manti Te'o/Notre Dame Trying To Deceive An Entire Nation With A Dead Girlfriend Hoax Retroactively Affects The University of Michigan's 2012 Football Season:

Before we get into this, an FGS postulation: Manti Te'o's imaginary girlfriend (her name is as irrelevant as her apparent 'existence'), or more importantly, the idea of this alleged girlfriend, was the reason for all of Michigan's losses this football season. How might we make such a bold, irrational claim? Easy:

The "Angels in the Outfield" Theory

By virtue of some innocuous child (in this case, we'll call him Manti Te'o) praying to a higher power for extraterrestrial help in contests of sport, Michigan was 'cursed' by angels. Manti Te'o's angels. He saw us as a threat to both his Heisman campaign and Notre Dame's National Championship hopes, and so sought to bring about not only our demise, but the demise of all those who stood in his way. However, since we don't care about his other victims, let's get right into it.

Loss 1, Michigan vs. Alabama @ Jerryworld: Te'o's angel, henceforth referred to as "Lennay," received her first assignment in this game. She fulfilled it by magically making every 'Bama player bigger, stronger, and faster than everyone else. Pretty open-and-shut case, this one.
How ND Benefits: Ritual slaughter of the Navy Midshipmen. Te'o begins his Heisman/NC quest.

Loss 2, Michigan @ Notre Dame: This one's also pretty standard. We all know of Denard Robinson's oft-errant passes, but TWO of them thrown to a LINEBACKER? The work of angels (and probably satanic Irish magic) was clearly afoot. Take away Te'o's two interceptions here, and also maybe take away a halfback pass in the red zone (again, clearly an idea planted in Borges' head by Lennay), and BAM, the Victors are the Best.
How ND Benefits: It's Notre Dame. They won. Go away.

Loss 3, Michigan @ Nebraska: This one is just plain malicious. Until this point, the injury card had yet to be played. Said Lennay, "Let there be nerve damage in his elbow!" And it was so. The mystical spirit's dastardly decree sent the Maize & Blue into a downward spiral, out of which not even "Tom Brady incarnate" Russ Bellomy could shake them! (Sorry Russ, luh u boo). Point is, once more, only one person to blame: Te'o.
How ND Benefits: A handed victory over the Sooners of Oklahoma puts the Irish pretty firmly in the drivers seat as one of few unbeaten teams remaining, still riding the wave of not only Te'o's on-field theatrics, but also the story that inspired them (you know, the fake dead girlfriend thing).

Loss 4, Michigan @ THE Worst University in the Nation: Lennay got creative in this one, much to Mr. Te'o's pleasant surprise. The hellacious angel-beast tapped into Al Borges' headphones and re-called his plays, mimicking his voice for the play calls like some sort of heavenly Terminator. As such, the plays called were...less-than-desirable. Victory for the bad guys, a looming, dismal fog of sad drifts across Wolverine Nation.
How ND Benefits: Lennay then went on to inhabit Lane Kiffin's body, who then took a crowbar to Matt Barkley and proceded to 'Kiffin up the joint.' Done and done.

RANE KIFBRIN REPORTIN 4 DUTY

Loss 5, Michigan vs. South Carolina @ Some Stadium in Florida I Don't Even Care Anymore: The sundae's not worth it without a cherry on top. Here, the sundae is ND's failed championship run, but the cherry is Lennay pretending to be Jadeveon Clowney and really making Vincent Smith just look plain silly. Bad, bad Lennay! Back to the clouds with you!
How ND Benefits: They don't. Predictive/preemptive karma for the eventual hoax revelation.

Conclusion: If Manti Te'o never starts the fake girlfriend ruse/subsequently prays to some mystic force hellbent on Michigan's destruction/Notre Dame's success, WE are the undefeated team! It's so, so incredibly clear now! MICHIGAN BCS CHAMPIONS!

i miss u alredy n ur not evn gon yet :(

This is the worst post ever, thanks for sticking around to the end. SPORTS!

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