Tuesday, October 22, 2013

In Which I Argue Myself, Smeagol-Gollum Style, Into Believing We'll Win OR Lose to Fredo Corleone*

Cinematic history's most inept lil' bruh
-So, this week we have a bye week. We can't lose a bye week, right?
Stupid, fat millenialses. What's bye weeks, precious?

-You couldn't possibly respond as Gollum this whole time...right?
Oh yes we could!

-Over my dead body.
Give it to us rrrrrraw, and wrrrrrrigling.

-Alright, this is getting weird. Besides, this was supposed to be a "Godfather" comparison.
We must rid us of ourselves first, precious.
[I'm blasting this full volume at a coffee shop in hopes of scaring off the weaker-willed patrons]

*-Yes, I realize that Fredo is, technically and chronologically, Michael's older brother, which throws a bit of a cog into this allegory's potential if I intend to represent UM as Michael and MSU as Fredo, which I do. However, I don't think anyone would argue that Fredo was emotionally or psychologically older than Michael. Therefore, if you're seriously going to get that hung up on it, please coat yourself in seal blood and wade into the ocean**, because you're ruining everyone's good time.

**-That was kind of mean. Don't actually do that. But maybe definitely stop being ~that~ guy. Or ~that~ girl (FerGodSakes: harbinger of equality in the college football blogosphere)

Stop stalling.


[After the jump, I eventually decide that we'll win. Or lose. No, win. NO, LOSE. NO WAIT-]

-All better now?
You tell me...you're the one arguing with yourself, ya Jason Biggs, Julian Morris-lookin' muthaf--

-Shut your mouth and stop name-dropping celebrity doppelgangers.
Make me. So, worried about the ol' Wolverine football team against the fellas up the road?
-I mean...yeah? Joey Burzynski, the nominal starter at Left Guard against Indiana, threw himself atop the ever-growing ACL Injury Pile (much to Russell Bellomy's chagrin), whenceforth Jake MFin' Ryan recently arose...so that kind of hurts the depth on the O-Line. On the other hand, highly touted freshman Kyle Bosch stepped in quite competently, demonstrating the value freshmen can gain by arriving on campus early.
Additionally, the also highly touted Erik Magnuson seems to be taking the Mike Schofield route to Tackle, getting early playing time at the guard spot where his long arms and solid technique in both run-blocking and pass-protection should be an asset for the remainder of the season.
Haha, you said 'ass'et. Get it? Like --
-AHEM, On the other other hand, the fact that Mauleriffic Maulstrom of Maulitude - Kyle Kalis - has hit the bench is troublesome. Kalis came into the program as the highest-rated offensive line recruit since...Taylor Lewan? Jake Long? Gerald Ford? Meh. As such, seeing him be overtaken, even if by a player with Magnuson's talent, kinda hurts.
Brady Hoke can't recruit/develop players. Face it. Your lines are a bunch of shenanigans.
Yeah...but...our shenanigans are cheeky, & fun.
-...Just admit it: Brady Hoke can GD recruit, fergodsakes. The development thing is up in the air, but we're still 'only' in year 3. Next year ought to be the true, untainted benchmark for how well this staff develops talent.
If there is a next year...*malicious grin*
-Stop smiling, creepass, the people in the coffee shop are staring at you. At any rate, this week off should definitely help alleviate the general scrapes, sprains, bumps, bruises, breaks, hurts, and hampers that come with 7 college football games. Plus, it should give the offense (*cough* ALAN "AL" BORGES *cough*) ample time to study the Agricultural College of the State of Michigan's defense and, thereafter, develop at least a halfway decent gameplan.
There is no OL depth. Michigan is too young on the OL, you dunce. Plus, DG98 is a Rube Goldberg-style Turnover Machine. The gameplan will be atrocious, like it's been the past 5 years against MSU. The team is too depleted as is, and they will be further crushed and injure-fied in 2 weeks by Park Narduztonio's Relentless Gnashing Defense Beast.

-Alright, first of all, it's weird that you combined MSU's D-Coordinator and Head Coach into such a poor word amalgamation. Also, 'dunce?' No need for namecalling. I self-loathe enough as it is. On the other hand, solid use of 'gnashing.'
Thanks, me.

-You're welcome...us? On that note, let's give credit where credit is due: Michigan State's defense is stupendous. They're ranked #1 in the nation for a reason. Yes, PART of that reason is that they've played exactly ONE good offensive team so far this year (which happens to be the very same Indiana Hoosiers who just hung 47 on Michigan). But, more importantly, they've got a defense chock-full of playmakers, disrupters, and Don Corleone-style, make-em-an-offer-they-can't-refuse intimidators.

-Alright, alright. Jesus, calm down. Class of '13, by the way (and before that, GOOD TIMES '09 WHERE Y'ALL AT). I digress.
As I was saying, they have 8 interceptions as a team, including two from potential first-round draft pick Darqueze Dennard. Shilique Calhoun has three touchdowns this year...as a defensive end (2 fumble recoveries and a pick-6). He's an absolute terror with 15 QB hurries - far and away the most on the team - and 4 sacks. Linebacking trio Denicos Allen, Max Bullough, and Taiwan Jones all rank in the top 5 on the team in total tackles, meaning that if you get to the second level, that's probably as far as you're going to get. Bullough especially deserves praise as quarterback/head coach of the defense, and any Michigan fan who says they wouldn't love to have him (and several others on this defense) in Maize & Blue is lying, TBQH IYAM IMHO.
Mmmmm, yes. I bet it hurt so, so much to admit that. Tell me about how much it hurt, me.

-F*** you, me. Yes, it grinds my teeth into a chalky, calcified powder whenever I have to hear about Los Bulloughs Hermanos as romanticized by a Spartan, but Max is at least a proven, bona fide commodity on a stellar defensive front. A true force who, along with his linebacking compatriots, will undoubtedly be the toughest test this Offensive Line will face all year.
Alright, now go ahead and try to criticize them.

-I can do it.
Whaddaya gonna do? Nice college boy, eh? Didn't want to get mixed up in the college football business, now you want to talk trash about Sparty? Why, 'cause they slapped you around for a few years, eh? What do you think this is, ESPN, where you can analyze 'em a mile away? Ya gotta get up close like this and, badda-bing! You get Lou Holtz spittle all over your nice Ivy League suit. C'mere. 
 -Easy, Sonny. Look, I've watched most of their games this season and feel at least marginally qualified to critique them at least a little bit. That said, they have a tendency to be undisciplined at times, particularly in the secondary. I've seen Kurtis Drummond, Trae Waynes, and Darqueze Dennard each commit some pretty brutal Pass Interference calls at some point this year. I know a lot of MSU fans like to rock that 'The Refs Are Out To Get Us' mentality when stuff like that goes down (which kind of makes them *GASP* similar to Michigan fans sometimes! Pot, meet kettle), but there's no denying that those guys have done some boneheaded stuff.  And, as aforementioned, they really don't need to - they're good enough to not need to commit those penalties
Ok, so they get stupid penalties sometimes, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

-God, you're turning into Tyler Durden.
You mean ~we're~ turning into Tyler Durden. *tries to punch own face*

-*dodges punch* ...Ok, then. Aside from stupid penalties, I'm not sold on MSU's interior DL. Maybe I, like Spartan fans, am just used to seeing Jerel Worthy destroy the world in there, but Tyler Hoover and Micajah Reynolds don't do much for me. That is, they eat up space decently, as it usually the case for interior D-Linemen, but Hoover in particular runs the risk of Will Campbell-ing and letting his pads get too high, allowing Guards/Centers to get underneath him and push him back. Also, he's banged up.
Alright, so that's all you got.

-For the defense, for now, yeah, that's all I got. Them's is good, y'all. If it were only Michigan's offense against only Michigan State's defense, coupled with the fact that the game's in East Lansing, Narduzzi would probably get out his garrote, make the game his Luca Brasi, and it'd get ugly faster than you could 'leave the gun but take the canolis.'
That reference was forced, and a bit graphic.

-I've half a mind to garrote you, ya dingus.
Who ya callin' dingus, ya dingus?
-......Riiiiight.........My point is, MSU still has 11 other guys who must take the field, and therein be chaos.

-Not good, like the rest of the offense. And as much as Michigan fans complained about Alan "Al" Borges mainlining Fritos instead of calling a football game against PSU, MSU fans have equally maligned co-Offensive Coordinators Jim "Diabeetus" Bollman and Dave "Pop" Warner for most of the 2013 season. By my viewing, they appear to be what would happen if you allowed previous Offensive Coordinator Dan Roushar (man, I miss Mike Valenti ranting about Roushar) to adopt 2 full-grown men and teach them his boring. oft-maddeningly ineffective offensive philosophy.
You're just a hater. Jeremy Langford is a beast running the ball and Cook is a dual-threat. How's that no-push D-Line going to take down this sweet-ass running game?

-I'll cite lack of competition and conservative playcalling for the stats these two have accrued. Additionally, Cook is averaging less than 6 yards per attempt (Devin Gardner averages more than 10, for reference) and his BIGTIME STATS (much like the rest of the offense's) have come against Youngstown State, Iowa, and The Absence of Defense at Indiana University - three not-good schools (Yes, Iowa is highly ranked in points against, but other than That School South of the Border and the terror that is Northern Illinois, they have not played an offense that could be defined as "adequate").

-LET ME FINISH. The D-Line has slowly-but-surely come into their own as a unit: Frank Clark aka Crank Flark has started to figure things out; backup Mario Ojemudia's got some serious quick-twitch moves; Chris Wormley is solidifying himself at Strongside D-End; and interior DL Quentin "SQWash" Washington, "Do You Jibreel Like We Do" Black, and Willie Tha Kid Henry have eaten lotsa space and even gotten penetration several times this year. Despite depth concerns (FerGodSakes Favorite Ondre "PeeWee" Pipkins is out for the year /single tear rolls down cheek as "Kiss From A Rose" by Seal plays in the background), this unit should more than prove their worth against an MSU OL that has overachieved thus far this year, and in my opinion is due to be brought back down to earth.
Yeah but...hey man, why are you even doing this? Who cares? I thought they were just 'Lil' Bro,' why waste the time if you really want to keep pretending like you don't care?

-Well, self, it's simple:
And in THIS room *gestures to TV room* my dad taught me to yell at things far away and beyond my control.
So now what? You're done? What about key matchups, more on UM's offense/defense, offensive playmakers for MSU, special teams, intangibles, coac --

-HAHA, you lost me at "offensive playmakers for MSU."
Oh you are startin' to piss me off.

-Good, GOOOOOOOOD. Let the hate floooow through you.
No Star Wars references, me. Stick to The Godfather, damnit.

-I agree, me. On that note, I give you Michigan State's reaction when they didn't get a BCS bowl in 2011.

"We've always taken care of you, Sparty."

"Taken care of us? You've lost 4 in a row! You take care of us? Did you ever think about that? Huh? Did you ever once think about that? Send MSU off to do this! Send MSU off to do that! Let MSU take care of some TCU Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl somewhere! Send MSU to lose to Alabama at the Citrus Bowl!
We had a better season than you, Mich, and we was stepped over!

"That's the way the NCAA wanted it." 

"It ain't the way we wanted it! We can win things! We're good! Not like everybody says... like bad... We're good and we want respect!"

-[I love and respect and cherish and adore my friends who went/go to Michigan State, but this was too fun to transcribe.] Next week, I --
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, scUM! You haven't argued yourself - aka me - into a prediction. Who wins? The good guys or the bad guys? OR the bad guys or the good guys?

-Oh...Uh...I'm gonna save that for next week. Tentatively though, like, if they played tomorrow...
Yes? YES?!

-PSYCHE! They wouldn't play tomorrow, idiot. Tomorrow's Wednesday. College football on a Wednesday is like...I don't know, Christmas in July, or something.
YEAH, BUT--wait, say that again.

-Christmas in July?
Oh my god...I have to go make some phone calls. I just had the greatest sale idea for this guy I know who works at SEARS.



A more in-depth look at matchups and stuff after MSU, in all likelihood, handedly defeats Illinois in Champaign this weekend. Good morrow to you all. Honor thy neighbor, and in the spirit of good natured, respectful competition, hug your Spartan brothers sometime in the next couple weeks so that they'll be hospitable hosts, but also because baseless hate has no home save for 3:30pm-7ish pm on Saturday, November 2nd, 2013.

And please, for the love of all things football, please do not be jackwagon guests. It is, after all, just...



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