Monday, October 21, 2013

"Oh THERE you are, Offense!" [Indiana Game Reaction]

MICHIGAN [6-1 (2-1)] defeats INDIANA [3-4 (1-2)], 63-47

Young (Michigan Alum) David Alan Grier?
Pictured: Michigan Offense, rediscovered

First off, this reference to Spielberg's "Hook" (1991), a landmark achievement in Giant Crocodile cinema technology, was not at all random, and will be of use later in this piece. 

I've found that there are others far more competent in this aspect than I, and as such I link you to their prowess thusly:
--Maize 'N Brew, All For You
These are my personal favorite sites as far as game follow-ups go. If you're here, you probably know them, so let's move on.


Michigan fans soiled their collective pants following what is being called the UnHappy Valley UnderPerformance Ughstravaganza --
No one is calling it that.
...I'm calling it that, you jackpine. Anyway, after whatever "that" was, the fanbase was in uproar, particularly over both the Offensive Line and Offensive Coordinator Alan "Al" Borges. Then, suddenly...
MISSINGNO: the result of dividing Indiana's Offense (Lots) by their Defense (0)

Wild Indiana appeared! Michigan chooses Devin Gardner! Devin used 'Throw To Jeremy Gallon!' It's Super-Effective!
Quick Offensive Stat dump 

-751 yards of total offense. For comparison's sake, that's: 2,253 feet, .42 miles, and roughly how much I run in a given month. 751 yards, yo. Read that. Go take a cold shower. Re-read it. One more cold-shower. Alright that's enough, stop wasting water lest Al Gore arrive at your door with a doomscythe from beyond to whisk you to your maker.

-Devin Gardner: 21/29 for 503 yards, 2 TDs, NO (ZERO/NONE) INTERCEPTIONS HUZZAH; 15 rushes for 81 yards and 3 more TDs

-Fitzgerald "How Saint?" Toussaint: 32 carries for 151 yards and 4 TDs.
-Derrick Green aka Young Tony Perkis (for his bodily transformation, not for his evil shutdown of a jolly fat camp) aka the Green Monster: 6 carries for 21 yards
[Thus, one week after getting 30 carries for 27 yards, Michigan RBs had 38 carries for 172, an average of 4.5 YPC. MAAAAANNNNBAAAALLLLLLL!]

-Jeremy Gallon: 369. 369. 369. 369. 369. 369asfwerotiuvsdflfkfj Sorry. Shortcircuited for a sec.
I just...I can't.
Yeah this is ridiculous. Basically, many Win Units were scored by both teams. While this is the status quo for Indiana's quick-strike, high-octane, additional-applicable-cliché-meaning-they-score-a-lot-at-an-incredible-rate offense, it was, shall we say, uncharacteristic for the boys in blue.

On the other side, Michigan "held" the Hoosiers to 572 yards of total offense (HA! B*tchez). Kofi Hughes torched freshman CB Channing Stribling for a long TD, and Tevin Coleman averaged 7.1 yards per carry, despite having a name that some might consider a complete affront to current naming conventions (Seriously? You couldn't decide betweeyn Tyler and Kevin, so you combined them into something that is somehow EVEN WORSE?). Anywho, this was similarly uncharacteristic, especially coming from a Greg Mattison-coached defense that once took the charred, shredded remains of GERG Robinson and valiantly rode them a top-10 defense in 2011. The defense has had its ups and downs the past few years, so let's call this one a 'down' and move on.

Whoopty-Do! What does it all mean, Basil? 

I'm glad you asked, introduction to the next section. It's a question that's befuddling many a Wolverine fan/pundit in the carnage following this game. You see, Indiana emerges ranked 9th (NINTH) in total offense in the country. A mere 110 spots below that, on the opposite end, is their total defense, ranked 119th in the country. Out of a possible 123. Oy vey ist mir.

Michigan, on the other hand, triumphantly raises a fist at 47th in total offense versus 29th (!!) in total defense. DISCLAIMER: Total Off/Total Def. are not end-all, be-all stats, but I am a working man with several other things to write, so they will be my main stats for this post. If you don't like that, well:
Except replace "lunch" with "other statistics." Actually, lunch is cancelled too, for questioning me.
Right, right, sorry. I'll try and sum up the point with as all-encompassingly a sentence as is allowable in the English language. *clears throat* Michigan's offense benefited marvelously from the near-total ineptitude of Indiana's defense, yet showcased consistent push from the New-Look Offensive Line© and Tremendously© improved playcalling from Alan "Al" Borges, all while the defense Mattison'd an excellent effort - save for a few boneheaded plays (ARGH FRESHMEN) - against a Leviathan Hoosier Offense.

More bluntly, the offense is good-but-not-that-good, and the defense is not nearly that bad.
Take THAT, people who said an English degree would be worthless.

/Huzzah. Siri, end transmission.


Oh, right. In two weeks, Brady Hoke (Peter Pan), child-spirited Leader Magnate, leads his troop of Lost Boys (subcommander: Devin "RUFIO" Gardner) into the Shipwreck Cove that is East Lansing. They will take on The Fightin' Dark Mantonios (Neverland Pirates), led by Dustin Hoffman/Captain Hook/this guy:
Maybe this is a Muppet Treasure Island comparison...what-the-F-ever, man.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Ultimately, the Lost Boys/Pan are victorious when a giant animatronic crocodile spits out a clock and eats Hook, all while the latter cries for his mommy. I do not anticipate this happening, but as Drew Dileo was THE THREAT last year, perhaps this year we will be treated to the CROCODEVIN? Funchodile? CrocoDileo? Whatever, I hope we win.