Weekly Grab Bag is Not Good at Predicting Stuff

¡Viva 2014!

The football and basketball teams are undefeated in 2014! The football team has yet to play, but don't hold that against them. C'mon, seriously. Let it go. I need this. Anyway, the basketball team went 8-0 in January, which also means they're 8-0 in the B1G and sit atop the conference standings like Bo Ryan perched atop Mount Crumpit.

Then he slunk to the icebox...*SLUUUNK*

Amidst this year's inaugural month: Nik Stauskas has solidified himself as a top-3 player in the league, Derrick Walton has begun to expand his feet into the waffle-stompers Trey Burke left behind, and the team boasts the league's #1 Offense WITHOUT Mitch McGary.
Yeah, it was a good month. I'm posting this before the game at Indiana today, so here's hoping 2014's majesty upon the fruited plain continues.

However, Stauskas's improved play offers the distinct possibility that the the 2014-2015 MBB outfit will look fairly depleted at first glance.
Departures: F/C Jordan Morgan (RS SR), F Glenn Robinson III (SO), F/C Mitch McGary (SO), G/F Nik Stauskas (SO)
Additions: F Kameron Chatman, F/C Ricky Doyle, G/F Austin Hatch, F D.J. Wilson

I've been wrestling with myself over how to feel about this. Nik will only get better, and he's showing that he can ball with the best at a consistently high level. I'd say he's gone. I think Mitch could benefit from a full, solid year in college, especially since he'd most likely be the focal point on both ends of the floor next year. On the other hand, I can totally see him leaving and getting picked late in the first round, spending a couple years providing energy off the bench for a good team, then emerging as a dominant Large Puppy in 2017. GR3 is still a damn mystery to me, man. Landmark potential, Cedar Village results thus far, at least in terms of consistency and dominance. For every OMG dunk, there's a possession where he could TOTALLY put the ball on the floor, drive the lane, and elicit this reaction on like, an every-other-play-at-least basis. IDK, man.

For the sake of argument, let's say they're all gone next year. John Beilein still returns Caris Levert, Zak Irvin, Spike Albrecht, Jon Horford, Max Bielfeldt, and a sophomore point guard in Derrick Walton. Y'all might not remember, but sophomore point guards do pretty solid under ol' J-Bones. In addition, Redshirt Freshman Mark Donnal will presumably take his place as Big Man in a John Beilein Offense and, along with Horford, Bielfeldt, and possibly Ricky Doyle, make up for the loss of McGary Points. Wilson and Chatman should provide immediate impact as well.

So, that's the potential loss of 4 pretty monumental players in recent Michigan history, but Beilein has shown he can not only recruit talent, but develop it. I mean...we all DEFINITELY figured we'd lose Trey Burke + Timmy Hardaway and turn it around into the best Big Ten start since the bicentennial.

"AND ANOTHER THING: BANANAS ARE AN EXCELLENT SOURCE OF POTASSIUM, DADGUMMIT"
[Thanks MGoBlog for the .gif]

 In Which I Embarrass Myself and My Family With My Lack of Clairvoyance

I once predicted that I would kiss a girl in 7th grade and in 7th grade I didn't kiss a girl. I'm not good at predicting stuff. Hence, I will use my negligible Extra-Sensory Perception to act like I know what will happen before it happens. And we're off!

Michigan Basketball @ Indiana: Michigan by 40
Explanation: 40 was Cody Zeller's jersey number last year. When he played college basketball. For Indiana. It's difficult as F**Q to replace that kind of production.

Bonus Prediction: Tom Crean is an egregious human with a lesbian aunt's taste in haircuts.

Aunt Georgette? What're you doing here?

Super Bowl XLVIII - Denver Broncos vs. Seattle Seahawks: My Intestines by infinity
Explanation: No one wins the Super Bowl, but especially not every person who watches the Super Bowl 'for the commercials.' Your existence is a sad regurgitation of hackneyed, socially acceptable excuses to participate in mass cultural events. Do less. Woah who put this soap box under my feet? Anyway, My Intestines win because this year I'm making a conscious decision not to blast Buffalo Chicken Dip directly into my bellybutton with a SuperSoaker. Soooo, yeah.

Bonus Prediction: Hey guess what I already did a recap of all the Super Bowl commercials: dogs, horses, cats, pretty ladies, terrible 'topical' jokes/references, and washed up celebrities craving for prolonged relevance in a world that refuses to give credence. Oh and GoDaddy.com continues to provide sexual stimulation to men who've never heard of porn or had their wives take the internet away from them or just generally get their rocks off on shittily acted commercials starring powerful women forcibly re-classified as sex symbols instead of the industrial trailblazers they tend to be (Danica P'trick & JillyBeanz Michaels, fer instance). 

Me vs. Not Getting Mad on Signing Day: The latter. I think. Something about this signing day is going to piss me off and I don't know what it is yet - my powers do not extend that far. But damn you, thing that hasn't happened yet.

Bonus Prediction: Malik McDowell will not be a Michigan Wolverine. I'm predicting this SPECIFICALLY because things I predict don't happen.

Bonus Bonus Prediction Prediction: PLEASE PLAESE PLEAS CAN WE BE GOOD AT FOTBALL THiS YEAr I WANT TO FEEL aGAIN

Pre-National Signing Day Haikrutin'

This week, millions, maybe billions, maybe even JABRILLIONS** of high school football recruits will sign their Letters of Intent to attend college and play sports - and that's just at Alabama! Ba-dum tsshhh. But seriously folks. Anyway, here's my continued contribution to the mashup no one wanted: Poetry and Football recruiting.

The next Chucky Dubs?

Or perhaps better than Chaz?

Hail to thee, Jabrill

State rival appeared

U-M summoned Dracarys

'Scuse me...Drake Harris

He is commanded only by Bradaerys Hokeborn of House Schembechler

 Freshly formed zygote
Already offered: Class of
 2032

It seems that 'commit'

Is redefined with each year

Scary trend's scary

Make your prediction

Your crystal ball's invalid

Still I hit 'refresh'

 Will he commit here?

Will he commit there? Will he...-

I hate recruiting

  **-Jabrillions© is property of Joe Striks and FerGodSakes according to a legal document I just made up. Any attempt to reuse, recreate, or redistribute the word Jabrillions without the express written consent of Joe or FGS or Jabrill Peppers will result in us getting just so cheesed off, like you don't even know, and being like 'dude c'mon mannnn.' 

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Alright, yeah, this last one's a repeat from last week, but...

L to R: "Who got a snow day?" "WE GOT A SNOW DAY" "DAMN RIGHT WE DID" "Alright seriously guys, my neck..."