In Which I Argue Myself, Smeagol-Gollum Style, Into Believing We'll Win OR Lose to Fredo Corleone*

Cinematic history's most inept lil' bruh

-So, this week we have a bye week. We can't lose a bye week, right?
Stupid, fat millenialses. What's bye weeks, precious?

-You couldn't possibly respond as Gollum this whole time...right?
Oh yes we could!

-Over my dead body.
Give it to us rrrrrraw, and wrrrrrrigling.

-Alright, this is getting weird. Besides, this was supposed to be a "Godfather" comparison.
We must rid us of ourselves first, precious.

 

[I'm blasting this full volume at a coffee shop in hopes of scaring off the weaker-willed patrons]

*-Yes, I realize that Fredo is, technically and chronologically, Michael's older brother, which throws a bit of a cog into this allegory's potential if I intend to represent UM as Michael and MSU as Fredo, which I do. However, I don't think anyone would argue that Fredo was emotionally or psychologically older than Michael. Therefore, if you're seriously going to get that hung up on it, please coat yourself in seal blood and wade into the ocean**, because you're ruining everyone's good time.

**-That was kind of mean. Don't actually do that. But maybe definitely stop being ~that~ guy. Or ~that~ girl (FerGodSakes: harbinger of equality in the college football blogosphere)
Stop stalling.

-Sorry.

[After the jump, I eventually decide that we'll win. Or lose. No, win. NO, LOSE. NO WAIT-]

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"Oh THERE you are, Offense!" [Indiana Game Reaction]

MICHIGAN [6-1 (2-1)] defeats INDIANA [3-4 (1-2)], 63-47

Young (Michigan Alum) David Alan Grier?

Pictured: Michigan Offense, rediscovered

First off, this reference to Spielberg's "Hook" (1991), a landmark achievement in Giant Crocodile cinema technology, was not at all random, and will be of use later in this piece. 

SECOND STAR TO THE RIGHT, THEN STRAIGHT ON 'TIL MORNING:

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Man, Sports.

"Sports is Hell" - William Tecumseh Sherman

I mean, he probably said that. War too, obviously. But mainly, sports. And even more mainly, college football. And even more mainly, the unending anomaly that is Michigan football.

The General's sports-induced anger prompted his 'scorched earth' total war tactics. Same, bro.

During the increasingly arduous Autumn months, many an athletic contest is fought out on the field, gridiron, court, rink, and pitch (if you're into that sort of thing).

NBA basketball starts up, as does about 8 months of ESPN's daily reminders that LeBron James exists, and how important it is for you to know everything he does and says, because human privacy in the United States of America is so '90s.

The NHL season kicks off, along with about 8 months of ESPN's semi-weekly reminders that the NHL still exists.

The National Football League begins its assault on weekly sports programming. More importantly, perhaps, is the weekly sadness it offers in fantasy realms for the ever-growing sect of society that chooses to base a great deal of happiness upon whether or not fictional collections of grown men throwing a ball around can accrue more points than an equally fictional collection of different grown men. I have 3 fantasy teams. I am part of the problem.

Playoff baseball is in full swing (ha, get it? Swing. Like a...never mind). Those whose teams are eliminated find reasons to hate or cheer for those remaining. Those of us whose teams are still in contention find ways to figuratively/literally induce self-harm after crushing late-inning defeats BROUGHT ON BY COLLAPSES OF DEATH STAR-SIZED PROPORTIONS THANKS IN PART TO G*DD*MN JOE BUCK JINXING EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME YOU JERK YOU MONOTONOUS DETROIT HATING JERK WHY WHY WHY. Sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you guys, it's not your fault.

Also, I guess cricket season is happening. So, yeah, like I said...if you're into that sort of thing.

It's like hockey baseball? But with a wooden sword? Just stop.

Then, there's college football. NCAA Division I college football. Specifically the Big Ten. Specifically-er, for the purposes herein on this inconsistently updated blog, the University of Michigan football team.
(Hit the jump for the ramblings of a young man at odds with rationality)

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Brady Hoke Can't Recruit Skill Positions

I know that almost every single Michigan Football fan has been absolutely ecstatic with Hoke and Co.'s recruiting efforts thus far. After Richard was escorted out of town, he left us a roster without any semblance of depth in the trenches. In every one of Hoke's complete recruiting classes (2012 and on), Michigan has added HS All-American after HS All-American in order to help Michigan control the line of scrimmage in the future. After signing four OL and six DL in 2012, including 5-Stars Kyle Kalis and Ondre Pipkins, Hoke proceeded to add 6 more OL and 3 more DL in 2013. With seemingly indisputable success on the recruiting trail, many naysayers and rival fans began grasping at straws and out of some form of insecurity/idiocy/crystal meth addiction, the perception that Hoke couldn't attract premier skill position players was born. Sane Michigan fans insisted that although Michigan did not seem to have groundbreaking success at the skill positions, Hoke and Co. were still adding versatile skill players on both sides of the ball. These suggestions were sometimes then responded with "LOL IS HOKE GONNA LINE UP HIS 23 OL AT WR AND RB AND TE AND CB AND S TOO?!, LOL."

I guess the point of this post is to demonstrate that, no, toothless Ohio State fan, Al Borges will not be handing the ball off to David Dawson this season. And, no swagtastic MSU bro, Greg Mattison will not be lining up Henry Poggi against the self proclaimed 'Wide Receiver U's' next superstar....However, if you really are curious and you'd like to read this post, you may be able to realize the amazing level of talent that Hoke has been able to attract to all of the skill positions.

ANDDDD, since I know 'STAR RANKINGS DON'T MATTER' (especially when you only get 2/3 stars), I will include the prospects Top Offers as a justification for how good they could be....

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Victory Screech: Derrick Green Commits

Derrick Green: Michigan Wolverine.

All the other (better) sites have the information you want/we don't have time to provide, but we just wanted to join the celebration frenzy. VICTORY SCREECH.

Summarizing...With Summaries:
The number 1 running back in the country (according to Rivals) has committed to the University of Michigan's 2013 class, solidifying it as one of the top groups in the nation. Green offers the potential for something this school has not seen since Mike Hart - namely, an every-down back who can consistently move the chains and grind out games (no more RB-by-committee! Huzzah!). He's a big, strong back with a low center of gravity. Several recruiting sites have cited his speed and pass-catching abilities as areas for improvement, but these should not be causes for too much concern unless they persist throughout his college career.

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