Manti Te'o happened.
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| Up there is where my girlfriend WOULD be! |
You're probably asking yourself a whole mess of questions right now, questions like: What else has Te'o lied about? Will he still be an NFL playing sport man? How many OTHER things has he made up (seriously doubting the absolute shit out of the apostrophe in his his name now, btw)? But most importantly, how does this affect MY school? I'm glad you asked.
How Manti Te'o/Notre Dame Trying To Deceive An Entire Nation With A Dead Girlfriend Hoax Retroactively Affects The University of Michigan's 2012 Football Season:
Before we get into this, an FGS postulation: Manti Te'o's imaginary girlfriend (her name is as irrelevant as her apparent 'existence'), or more importantly, the
idea of this alleged girlfriend, was the reason for all of Michigan's losses this football season. How might we make such a bold, irrational claim? Easy:
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| The "Angels in the Outfield" Theory |
By virtue of some innocuous child (in this case, we'll call him Manti Te'o) praying to a higher power for extraterrestrial help in contests of sport, Michigan was 'cursed' by angels. Manti Te'o's angels. He saw us as a threat to both his Heisman campaign and Notre Dame's National Championship hopes, and so sought to bring about not only our demise, but the demise of all those who stood in his way. However, since we don't care about his other victims, let's get right into it.
Loss 1, Michigan vs. Alabama @ Jerryworld: Te'o's angel, henceforth referred to as "Lennay," received her first assignment in this game. She fulfilled it by magically making every 'Bama player bigger, stronger, and faster than everyone else. Pretty open-and-shut case, this one.
How ND Benefits: Ritual slaughter of the Navy Midshipmen. Te'o begins his Heisman/NC quest.
Loss 2, Michigan @ Notre Dame: This one's also pretty standard. We all know of Denard Robinson's oft-errant passes, but TWO of them thrown to a LINEBACKER? The work of angels (and probably satanic Irish magic) was clearly afoot. Take away Te'o's two interceptions here, and also maybe take away a halfback pass in the red zone (again, clearly an idea planted in Borges' head by Lennay), and BAM, the Victors are the Best.
How ND Benefits: It's Notre Dame. They won. Go away.
Loss 3, Michigan @ Nebraska: This one is just plain malicious. Until this point, the injury card had yet to be played. Said Lennay, "Let there be nerve damage in his elbow!" And it was so. The mystical spirit's dastardly decree sent the Maize & Blue into a downward spiral, out of which not even "Tom Brady incarnate" Russ Bellomy could shake them! (Sorry Russ, luh u boo). Point is, once more, only one person to blame: Te'o.
How ND Benefits: A handed victory over the Sooners of Oklahoma puts the Irish pretty firmly in the drivers seat as one of few unbeaten teams remaining, still riding the wave of not only Te'o's on-field theatrics, but also the story that inspired them (you know, the fake dead girlfriend thing).
Loss 4, Michigan @ THE Worst University in the Nation: Lennay got creative in this one, much to Mr. Te'o's pleasant surprise. The hellacious angel-beast tapped into Al Borges' headphones and re-called his plays, mimicking his voice for the play calls like some sort of heavenly Terminator. As such, the plays called were...less-than-desirable. Victory for the bad guys, a looming, dismal fog of sad drifts across Wolverine Nation.
How ND Benefits: Lennay then went on to inhabit Lane Kiffin's body, who then took a crowbar to Matt Barkley and proceded to 'Kiffin up the joint.' Done and done.
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| RANE KIFBRIN REPORTIN 4 DUTY |
Loss 5, Michigan vs. South Carolina @ Some Stadium in Florida I Don't Even Care Anymore: The sundae's not worth it without a cherry on top. Here, the sundae is ND's failed championship run, but the cherry is Lennay pretending to be Jadeveon Clowney and really making Vincent Smith just look plain silly. Bad, bad Lennay! Back to the clouds with you!
How ND Benefits: They don't. Predictive/preemptive karma for the eventual hoax revelation.
Conclusion: If Manti Te'o never starts the fake girlfriend ruse/subsequently prays to some mystic force hellbent on Michigan's destruction/Notre Dame's success, WE are the undefeated team! It's so, so incredibly clear now! MICHIGAN BCS CHAMPIONS!
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| i miss u alredy n ur not evn gon yet :( |
This is the worst post ever, thanks for sticking around to the end. SPORTS!
